


Always searching happiness

by Angelamore



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Post Game, Romance, Sappy, Sexual Content, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-20
Updated: 2017-05-05
Packaged: 2018-04-22 13:55:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 15,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4837739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angelamore/pseuds/Angelamore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ellana has left behind her titel as Inquisitor and started anew with her inner circle. They meet in the old elven ruines Solasan now and try to stop Fen'Harel from destroying their world. And for Ellana to get her lover back in one piece.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Her best friend

**Author's Note:**

> It's sappy, it's sad and it's for the heart. I just couldn't leave it with Solas leaving my poor elven crying and that's the end of it.   
> Enjoy and please overlook the grammar and spelling mistakes as I'm not a native speaker. Ofc you can just tell me where to fix something and it's done.

„Inquis... Ellana.“, Cassandra had entered the room silently.  
“Lord Seeker Cassandra Allegra Portia Cal...”  
“OH stop it. Not you too. Isn't it enough that all of Varrics letters are addressed to my full name.” Ellana couldn't suppress a giggle. Cassandras features softened when she saw it. “It's nice to see a smile on your face again.”, she said whispering and coughed slightly when Ellana looked up to her. “What I meant was: It's nice to see you Ellana.”, Cassandra smiled a bit sad.  
“It has been quiet a while since I got the inquisition disbanded and we last saw each other, hasn't it?”, Ellana sighed and turned back to the new war table they had set up in the vault of this old temple. She had thought it rather funny they set up their new base in Solasan. Her mind wandered to Solas and she shook it. Fen'Harel she reminded herself and all amusement vanished from her face.  
They had cleaned out the temple of any monsters and tried to make it as comfortable as possible, given the constant dripping water in the rooms further into the temple. But it didn't matter because all others never stayed a longer time, it would draw attention they couldn't afford, and she didn't care. Fen'Harel had spys everywhere and here they could see anyone coming miles before he or she would arrive. The only way up to the entrance of the temple was guarded by traps. Not that Ellana thought it would really stop him. But after all he would never come looking for her. She saw him often enough in her dreams. Always watching from afar newer showing any signs of interest in getting closer. It was frustrating. The way she chased him here and in the fade, always a few steps behind. Never getting close enough to be able to speak to him.  
“Ellana..”, Cassandras voice brought her back to the present.  
“I'm sorry Cass, my mind wandered.” She let her hand stroke her forehead and looked at the table before her. “I know you are short of time, rebuilding the seekers and helping to find him.”  
“That's not what I wanted to talk about. He's playing a game of cat-and-mouse with you!”, Cassandra said outright and shut herself up. “I'm sorry it's not in my place to say sometime like that.” Still as tempered as ever Ellana thought and a little smile bloomed on her face again. “If not yours my friend whose then?”, she gave herself a little pause to get herself under control. “ I know pretty well he plays with me. He does so to keep me busy and from finding him.” She let out a sound between snort and cry. “It's like this since he kissed me that last time, took my freaking arm from me to keep it from killing me and then just left me in front of his fucking Eluvian crying out for him and weeping.” Her breathe was hitched now and her hand clenched at her side.  
“You never told me what happened when you saw him the last time. Just told us matter of fact what he had done. I never knew...”  
“Cass he kissed me. Like I really was his vhenan. How could I have told you how he did everything to break my heart, just to walk out on me after he finally succeeded.”  
“I'm sorry.”, her head hang down and she nervously fiddled with the sword at her side. A bit like Cullen would when he was nervous, just missing massaging her neck like he would.  
“There is nothing to be sorry about Cass. All we can do is catch him and let me try to talk some sense in this blockhead of his. Preferred not while being in pain and emotional turmoil.”  
Ellena turned towards Cassandra fully and stepped in front of her hugging her on impulse. “I still love him. The trickster is mine, let him try to trick me as much as me wants. As long as I have the last word in the end.”, she whispered it into her friends ears. When she leaned back there were tears in her eyes but a smile in place. Cassandra returned the hug fullhearted and gave Ellanas hair a few strokes.  
“We'll all get him to get his senses back and I'll as much as kick his ass back into your arms.” Cass said confidently. After that the others started to enter and the topic was dropped with a secret smile between the two of them.


	2. Talking to friends helps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dorian and Ellana try to cheer each other up.

“Dorian”, Ellana sat in front of the Eluvian she had brought here after Solas vanished behind it and cradled the amulet Dorian gave her in her hands.  
“Did someone miss my lovely voice?”, came the prompt answer in Dorians ever happy voice.  
“Yes someone did indeed.”, she answered happy being able to talk to another friend. “Everyone was here today to plan our next step but some busy magister just couldn't make it and I missed his attitude.”  
“I can't be at everyone's service all the time, who would keep the other magister of your back if not for me. After all you are not fare from our borders”, his voice was soaked with foolery and that made Ellana feel so much lighter after all the plotting and planning she did all day with her former advisors. Even Varric had shown up, claiming to need a break from all that Viscounting and especially from Bran. Thought Ellana was guessing he just came because Cass had been there. She had seen him hand her a book at the end of the meeting and Cass had had a nice blush after he left. Dorian would be just the one to gossip about that.  
“Well we all know he just keeps writting that romantic lovely-dovely stuff for his SPECIAL fan, don't we.”, Dorian was laughing hard after she told him. “You think they ever get it together to confess to each other before they are dead?”, she asked and waited for his playful answer when she noticed her mistake.  
“Oh I'm so sorry Dorian.” She really had put her foot in it. “I know you miss him.”, she whispered after some silent moments.  
“There is nothing to be sorry about. You couldn't have known he would betray us.”  
“I feel like I'm responsible. I should have gone to the meeting with the Ben-Hassrath and formed the alliance, maybe he would have trusted me then. But I was a coward and in the end the choice was taken away because Corypheus was more important. Maybe I could have changed his mind.”  
“Stop it Ellana. Cole said Bull had no regrets over his decision betraying us. Now drop it. Not like your lovelife looks any better dear.”, and like that he dropped the topic and started where they left of: “Maybe we should do something. Want to place a bet who will be first to tell the other?” Ellana could practically see him wiggling his brows. “I'm not Varric. Don't start betting with me.”  
“True. Maybe I should offer the bet to him. Think he might rise to the bait?”  
“I think you tried that a few times already when the four of us where traveling together.”, Ellana giggled now. She just couldn't hold back. Leave it to Dorian to lift the mood after nearly crying. Yes she was missing him.  
“True.”  
There was some rumbling on this side when she was about to speak again.  
“Sorry Ellana, some very important late night guest apparently made his entrance and I'm summoned. Well have to talk some other time.”  
Just like that he was gone. And she was left looking at the Eluvian like so many months since Solas vanished. It had been quiet an obstacle to get that dame thing here without anyone noticing. Still she was hoping for Solas to use it again, since she couldn't get it activated. The only person that might have been able to help her had been Morrigan but she had vanished right after the battle with Corypheus just like Solas had. Ellana just couldn't get a hold on her. But given her hatred against the old god-like-beeings, like her mother, it was questionable if she would even help them at all. “Solas”; she whispered to the Eluvian that was nothing more than a big tinged mirror at the moment, before laying down to get some sleep. Tomorrow she would leave too, tracing any clues for Solas whereabouts.


	3. Dreams that never stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally some smut for all of you.  
> I hope my english is not as bad as I start thinking it seems to be.

Ellana felt herself drift into the fade. She always could feel it now when she entered her dream. Some times she tried to resist being pulled there, but it helped nothing. She wasn't a dreamer like Solas. All she could hope for was him entering her dreams, never seeking him out on herself. Some evenings she knew he was there. Always as fare away as the Black City, seen but never reachable for her. When she opened her eyes today, she could feel his stare on her. She turned around and saw the big dark wolf standing near the treeline on the other side of the field she was sitting. In the beginning she had run as fast as she could to reach him. But he had always vanished without a trace when she was close to reaching him. Now she just stayed where she was and waited for him to take his elven appearance. She never knew how much time she would have seeing him. Sometimes it seemed as only mere moments had passed until she woke up again. She leaned herself to the tree next to her watching silent as he took the form of the man she loved so dearly. “Ma vhenan.”, was all she breathed closing her eyes to hold back the tears. He would be gone if he thought he caused he pain. When she felt a finger trace her eye she ripped them open again. It was the first time in months he was near enough to be touched. Without waiting she wrapped her arms around his neck, hoping it wasn't an illusion vanishing as soon as she tried to touch it. But he was solid and warm to her. “Vhenan”, she sobbed into his neck squeezing his frame into her own. “What took you so long.”, she whispered to his ear. He said nothing and let his hands explore her back down to her hips until he grabbed her ass. A moan left her lips when he pressed her against his hard on. It was as if he could see all her hidden desire clear being so close to her. “Vhenan please.”, she sobbed and ground a bit against him to show him just how much she wanted this.  
From one second to another he was taken from her and she was left alone and freezing. A smell like sulfur entered her nose. Stalking towards her was another Solas with blue glowing eyes, while the one she had just hugged lay flinching on the ground a few meters from her. “Be gone desire.”, his voice all but boomed across the open field. Ellanas eyes grew big as she finally grasped what had just happened. She looked horrified up to the real Solas, shivering from angst and mortification. He had taught her how to protect herself against the spirits that meant harm and she had openly invited one into her arms. How humiliating it was, given it had been to satisfy her need of him. She all but willed herself to wake up but not before seeing him look sadly at her. “What have you done...”, the rest of what he was about to say lost to her as she jerked awake in the old ruins. It took some time to get her breathing under control. Then she packed everything up as fast as she could to get ready to leave this place. This had been her chance to talk to him, but she had made such a fool out of herself. There was a reason she never allowed the sexdreams, knowing he could enter her dream any time. Angry she wiped the leftover tears from her eyes and toke her staff. Time to spoil some of his plans to get some satisfaction. 

Solas starred at the point she had been moments before shaking his head. He had been about to leave her alone for today. After seeing she had been about to cry upon looking at him it has been to much. She was lucky he always wanted one more glance at her or he would have missed the spirit of desire pursue her. Was she trying to mess with him to get him to react. But it made no sense seeing how mortified she had looked. He would need to get close to her the next time she entered the fade. This couldn't go one. As much as he tried to banish her from his mind until everything was set into place he ended up in her dreamscape as soon as he knew she was in the fade. At least he knew how to keep her from finding his hideout in Orlais, and with the Inquisition gone he might have lost the ability to know what was planned against him but she also lost her forces against him. All he had to do was biding his time until all pawns were set into place. Then he could collect her and hope she would still love him after ripping this wrong world apart, she seamed to love so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never said it was to be with Solas ;)


	4. Wandering and spinning toughs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit insight into my DA world and my Lavellans point of view.

Ellana had her staff firmly in her hand and looked once more at “her” Eluvian. When she left the ruin, she sealed it with the same magic that opened it and took the shards into her bag. She had gathered all shards, so beside the ones she had with her no one should be able to enter the ruins. At least not a normal spy, neither from him nor from any of the kingdoms.  
Divine Victoria hadn't been amused about her last grand appearance, when she had dissolved the Inquisition in front of the Exalted Council. She had more or less told them they were kids playing at politics while the world went to shit. As much as she had always tried to understand Vivienne, and even after forming a loose friendship with her, her patience had run short. Even Cassandra had stopped advising Vivienne now, and she had been much more tolerating. They could only hope the new Divine wouldn't be in their way, for Ellana was sure she would just kill Solas, should she get an opportunity. And die trying, whispered a voice in her head. After all she had seen how the Qunari had simply turned to stone with one thought of him. Sometimes she wondered if drinking from the well of sorrow would have changed something. Maybe give her an insight into the man Fen'Harel had once been. After hearing how important Mythal had been to him, maybe the well would have had information on him. All she knew was gathered from old texts and dalish lore. Both of which she knew from Solas where not to be trusted fully. 

It took her more than a week to get from the new hideout to Tevinter. She needed to cross the land to get to the Arlathan Forest. It had been after all Fen'Harels home for some time. She hoped to find some clues in old ruins, that hadn't been destroyed by the shemlen. After following the Viddasala trough so many Eluvian, she knew there where still some ruins left, hidden well.  
Dorian had reminded her to hide her ears and always have his letter with her, should someone notice her elvhen features. He had started to make changes within the Imperium, but after all he was just one magister against an opinion build for hundreds of years. Elvhes where still not welcome, even more so Dalish. Thought with her vallaslin gone, no one would be able to know if she was one at first. Moreover after her years as the Inquisitor she came across more human than many others. Still she was proud being an dalish, even Solas hadn't taken that away from her, after all the stories her ancestors got wrong. From the information they could gather many of the elven had started to vanish, her Clan one of them. It seamed like Fen'Harel was offering them help once again. She wondered if they knew whom they followed now. Was he Solas to them, or the god that had been made out of him by legends and lore. She remembered well his reminder, that names held power. Did he know she had given up her power to have him back, or did he think it just a clever trick. After all he only told her he wouldn't forget her, nothing if his love would also keep burning. Enough, she mentally told herself and looked ahead.

When she was at the border to Arlathan a few days later it was the first time she was able to breath easily again. The travel trough Tevinter had been wearing. She had tried not to encounter anyone, taking mostly paths in the mountains and hunting when she had felt hunger. Non the less she had met some human searching for fugitive elves. Mostly missing servants. The letter from Dorian had been handy more than once. From the ledge she was standing she could already see the forest now. Another day or two and she would be able to start her search. Either for more Eluvians, or for ancient texts. With the help of Morrigan she had started learning a bit of the ancient language. Morrigan had left behind some old scrolls she had started to translate, which now helped Ellana a great deal. As the first of her Clan she had only learned bits from watching their Keeper. Now with Morrigan and Solas gone she could only rely on her memories and the scrolls. Leliana had also offered to start looking for Abelas to help her, but had not found him till now. With the well of sorrow gone, he had vanished like all the others, maybe Uthenera the choice to end his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More smut coming up in the next chapter. I promise!


	5. Are Dreamers born or raised?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So they meet again.

This evening, when she got ready for sleeping, her mind kept wandering again. Since she had left the old temple, Fen'Harel had left her alone in the Fade. She hadn't even gotten as much as a glimpse of him. She was glad he hadn't visited her again, another sad look on his face would have been unbearable. But all the same, she was heartsick. Sometimes she was not far from summoning an image of him, just to look at him. All she could think of, before closing her eyes and drifting of, was him. It was the first time, the lure of her own dreamscape wasn't to strong to resist. Instead she was able to wander to look upon a big elvhen city, with it's white tower raised high. In some places the buildings were hidden behind big green twiners, but shining nevertheless over the thick forest around it. Ellana was gaping at it, when she noticed some pilgrim passing her. She was standing at a road and it seemed they passed through her like ghosts. When she finally grasped what was happening the scene was already changing. The highest tower was gone and only a ruin was left of the big city now. She could see elvhen fighting against shemlen in a distance. Heavy parts of the forest where destroyed or burning. Then the ruin was gone at all and the forest remained as she had seen it before going to sleep. Instead a wolf stood not far from her in the woods.  
“Aneth ara, ma vhenan.”, his words greeted her softly as he inclined his head. At the wolfs spot standing a man now. Ellana wasn't sure if he was another vanity of her dream. It was more likely than him still calling her vhenan.  
“I was wondering how you could banish me from your dreamscape, but it seems I understand now.”, his gaze wandered around him. “I should have know you might be able to walk within the Fade.” When his eyes rested on her again there was something similar to curiosity in it. “But you were never what I thought you to be, weren't you.” His lips twitched into a small smile, as if he found that statement amusing.  
“Fenedhis“, she cursed him before she threw herself into his arms, hoping she was to fast for him to vanish yet again. It had taken her a few seconds to make sure he wasn't another spirit trying to make use of her longing for him.  
“We can't Da'len. You really shouldn't.”, despite his words, he buried his nose in her hair and cuddled her to him. “You had me worried when I couldn't encounter you in the Fade vhenan. I thought the anchor had killed you before I was able to find a way to prevent it.”  
Ellana gripped his robe even harder hearing him speak this soft words to her.  
“Garas quenathra?”, she spoke under her breath: “If it is as wrong as you try to tell me, why do you even worry. Why do you keep getting my hope up with all this words. You really are a sweet-talker” Her sad smile could have been able to break his heart, hadn't he already lost it.  
“You wouldn't have to be worried if you just stayed with me and let me show you this world like I see it. How am I to be true to my promise of changing your mind, if you are forever out of my reach...”  
He shut her up by kissing her hard and merciless. “I can't have you change my mind.”, before she had a chance to answer, he hugged her harder and kissed her again. Her hands traveled from his chest to his neck and dug into his skin, for there was no hair she could grab onto. A moan left her lips when his teeth nibbled her lip and his hands caressed her back on their way down to her ass.  
“You make me so weak.”  
“Tel'abelas”, she whispered between two kisses and pulled him into her as hard as she could. He smiled at her mouth and wrapped her legs around his hips. Now she was grinding against his hard-on, just like she had prevented herself from dreaming so often.  
“Don't leave me vhenan.”, she breathed against his ear before nibbling at it. With that she was granted a moan out of his mouth while he bit her neck playfully. “You know we shouldn't do this. Not even here. Especially not here.”, he told her matter of fact, but his statement was subverted by his hands longingly fondling her butt. He lowered her onto he ground to a blanket, that hadn't been there moments before. His hands stroked her face while he looked at her longingly. She was far to fascinated by the look on his face to start talking again. When he did nothing but stare at her for some time she took matters into her own hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm evil. But how else is there supposed to be suspense.


	6. Their first time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know what's coming.

She grabbed his shaved head to kiss him again, shoving all her feelings at him. His passiveness enraged her like nothing else could. She braced her weight against his frame and knocked him over. When she sat on his lap, a devilish smile spread across her face, and this time when he wanted to protest she shut him up, like he had done with her mere moments before. She kissed him rough and dug her hands into his robe. He still had the pelt across his shoulder, the first thing she got ride of. The belt was in her way next. She could feel his hands reaching for her to stop her, but she just knocked them away, letting herself rock against him. “Don't you dare.”, she hissed at him while stroking his chest. Finally able to feel his skin she purred, shoving his robe up to dump it. His eyes followed all her movements and his mask of indifference was shattering slowly. Still he pursed his lips looking stoic like only he could. But he had given up trying to stop her. It would have been easy for him to do so, but she had know he was just a normal man too. Known might be a word to strong she admit, more like hoped. She let her own gaze wander, when she was sure he watched her. Approvingly liking her lips when their eyes met again, he reclined his head and closed his eyes. She could see his Adam's apple hop and grinned. Her hands still at his chest she let them wander lower until they met his waistband. Still he lay still, as if in deep mediation. Only his lips where pressed together to firmly, for him to be relaxed. He let her hands wander to the outside of his thigh, before she grabbed his cock boldly. When his eyes flared open, she caught the moan, that was about to leave his lips, with a kiss. Her hands were lazily stroking his length through his sheer trousers, while the kiss lasted. Instead of her hands she let her mouth wander now, placing small kisses along the way to his ear. She loved nibbling at them, cause it was the place he got red at all. Then she went on to his nape, while she heard his soft groans now. For some time she just played with his hard-on while kissing him lovingly. Never to fast, just building up his longing, like he had done with hers after months of never following through. Always some small teases and hot kisses and then the break up. Now, this was her revenge. It took some time, but eventual his control snapped. His hands, that had been inactive clasped her waist and hauled her up. When he sat her down she fit right against his penis and arched her back. He made short work of the clothes she wore, simply tearing them of her. His eyes gleamed like those of a predator, watching her every move. When they met flesh to flesh she kept moving against him, while he grabbed one of her breasts hard and bit down on the other. Now it was her moaning. They didn't speak a word, when he lifted her up and took his member into his hand to position himself to enter her. He only looked at her, as if asking for permission and all she did, was sliding down on him hard. They both moaned with pleasure, as she started to set a pace. First slowly, but with the sexual tension between them she went faster and harder quickly. Her fingers dug into his scalp, while their mouths devoured each other, like her body did his. When her orgasm hit her, she pressed herself into him, her muscles twitching around his cock, clamping him like they never ever would let go again drew his own orgasm from him hard. She collapsed on top on him panting hard, while his hands stroked her hand. When she looked at his face she could see his starting to close up.   
“Is my Clan with you?”, she asked him when he started to get up to redress.   
“No, but I made sure they are save.”, his sad smile was back in place. Gone was the fierce lover that had been hers just moments ago. And just a blink later he was gone in full leaving her to awake in her camp, soaked with sweat from her dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Chapter left me with a big headache. It took me forever to write it down. A bunch of deleting and rewriting to get my idea across right. I realy hope you enjoyed it. I had so much more ideas, but 1. I need more for following chapters. 2. Never knew writing smut would be that hard in english.


	7. Doubt is a friend you never lose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some insight into my Ellanas thoughts and believes.

Ellana shed her clothes as fast as she could. As relaxed and satisfied she had been in the Fade, the feelings where lost now. Her skin tingled and her desire was stronger than ever. Naked she stepped into the soft rain, that had started in the night and washed of the sweat as good as she could. A real bath would have to wait until she found a river. Her hands traveled to touch herself and she let her memories wander. His face and the way his body had felt was all she needed. With some quick hand grips she got herself over the edge, keeping her face upwards to the rain.  
When the tension dwindled, she went back to her sleeping place and got herself some fresh clothing. In the end she had gotten what she wanted, but gained nothing. No answers, no satisfaction. All she had left were her doubts. He had told her so much the last time she had seen him in person, but she hadn't had time to ask the questions most important to her.  
Why did he walk the solitary path of the Din'Anshiral, why had there to be death and destruction. She had seen his tombstone in the Fade. Witnessed his angst to die alone. Had seen it so well, when he had told her she couldn't follow his path. He had told her there had been alternatives, all worse than the one he chose. But she could envision nothing worse, than losing her friends to another war, maybe even undergo them being made into slaves. Solas held near to no respect for the Dalish, what would the Elvhenan think of them with their vallaslin. Would Solas free them of the slave marks like he did with her? Her head kept spinning with questions, now that she wasn't able to ask them anymore. If she would be able to get her doubt across to Solas, would he understand why she wanted to save him from another mistake? Her heart told her he would understand, but a voice in her head told her an unwanted truth. With all the regret he held, he would think her to biased to understand his reasons. With all she knew her time was limited, maybe the anchor killed her first or he would, in one way or another he had killed her already. Ellana looked at the place her hand had once been. It was strange, as she still had it in the Fade. Whenever she awoke she needed a few minutes to understand that it was lost here.  
Nevertheless she took her staff into her remaining hand after getting all her things together. It was still a long way, until she could rest again. She looked over the forest and started walking into the direction the old city had been in her dream. Now that she thought about it, there had been similarities between the Arlathan she had seen and the Black City. At least between the ruins of the two, cause that was all she had ever seen of the Black City. After all she had found out about lore and myths, they could be the same city all the same. If someone would prove it to her, it wouldn't even get her to raise her eyebrow anymore.  
A few hours into her hike she found a small lake, where she took her first break. She had been waiting for this chance to bath since waking up. The water was freezing but it took her wandering mind of everything else but the task at hand. But her calm didn't last long. When she left the lake to redress she saw the cave next to the water. It could only be seen from the lake and the red glow coming from it's depths were just to familiar. Her suspicion was confirmed when she drew closer. Varric would hate this. They had hoped to have destroyed most Red lyrium aboveground, after they had sealed the entrance to the Deep Roads. But now it seemed like some elves had gained the lyrium, as it was a elv inside the crystal. Ellana cursed and asked herself if Solas knew of this or had his hand in it. She didn't want to jump to conclusion, but with all her doubts she had, it wasn't so far off.  
In the end she stayed at the lake, writing to Varric after she destroyed the crystal with her magic. She also told him to talk to Cassandra about it, for the Seeker of truth were still the only ones resistant. Of course it was just for professional matter she assured herself and snickered thinking of her discussion with Dorian. Wouldn't hurt if they were able to see each other over this matter face to face. Plotting like this just lifted her mood particularly, as she wrote it down in her letter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Chapter was much shorter, but before I posted it I reconsidered. So I took the idea with the Red Lyrium I wanted for later and made it into this. Now I'm laughing about her matchmaking thoughts. (Or were they mine?!)


	8. Soliloquies

This night she simply let herself slip into her dreamscape, instinctive knowing she would met him there.  
“Did you touch yourself, after you left the Fade?”, she spoke softly. It was a bolder question than she would normally bring herself to ask. Not at all what she had wanted to ask, but it had slipped out of her mouth. She remembered the shower of rain she had brought herself pleasure in and it had come to her mind. That her voice had reached him was clear, as he didn't look at her. Sometimes she loved that stoic look on his face. It told her she could throw everything at him and he would take it. But in moments like this she hoped he would show his softer side. His emotions were kept hidden under his mask just a bit to well. Since he failed to respond Ellana started to talk.  
“When I'm here the hand the anchor was is still with me. What will happen when the Veil is down? Will I get my hand back and the anchor will kill me? Will I even be able to change the fate of any of my friends if you are able to finish your plan?” Still he looked at something in the distance, not taking notice of her. All she could do, was carry on:  
”All of my people out there have been severed from the Fade for so long. You know we mages are rare among the elves now. What will happen with all the Dalish that haven't been able to used the magic of the Fade? So many of us lost the ability, while the human were able to make use of it. Teviter might get even stronger should the Veil drop. There will be wars. So many of them, going on for an endless time. Somehow it is soothing my time will be up soon.” She hugged her legs to her body and placed her head onto her knees. Now his face didn't look so emotionless anymore, his features where edged with grief, while his head rested against the trunk behind him.  
“I tried to find Mythal again. For some time I searched at her temples, then in the Fade. But she has vanished. I hoped for some answer from her. The ones you couldn't or wouldn't give me. I thought if she was murdered, she would surely be against bringer her murderer back. But it seems she doesn't want to be found. At least not by me. She was a dear friend of yours. I guess after all she is on your side. You spoke fondly of here. For some time I asked myself if you had been her lover. I could never answer the question for myself. Couldn't even ask anyone beside the two of you. I wondered what she had, that I didn't. Why would you destroy a world for her, but wouldn't leave the world as it is for me. I guess I get nothing more than your words of love. Words are so effortlessly spoken. I had never envisioned myself having a lonely life.” A memory of her younger self invaded her mind and made her smile. “Long before I was voted first we were two mages in my Clan. Samahl was like his name a cheerful boy. We came into our magic around the same time. He was two years older than me. We often sat together and talked about old lore and the Fade. When we got older there were riots in our Clan. We had gotten closer and were lovers at the time they had to decide who would leave the Clan. Rarely there are two mages in the same Clan and with the both of us if would have been three. Still some where nice enough to try keeping us both together. There were discussions about sending us both away to a Clan without any mages. In the end I went away, leaving him behind. He told me he was heartbroken but understood. To many arguments within the Clan would have destroyed the cohesion. It was the reason I gave him. I can only hope his love for me was nothing compared to the one I feel now. A crashed heart is nothing I wish for anyone.”  
They both sat in silence for awhile after Ellana finished her story. His eyes closed and his frame unmoving, she lost in thoughts about a time long gone.  
“Mala ar'an nadas. Until the journey is at it's end. Yours or mine.”, she left him with these words. For once not wanting to be the one left alone in the Fade with her tears. She would endure as much as she could. She wasn't yet ready to give up. But she knew there would be a time. His silence willing it forward faster than his deeds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mala ar'an nadas = Now we must endure.


	9. Arlathan Forest

Solas stayed right where he was. Had she even noticed she had entered his dreamscape? He had hidden here, not wandering the Fade this night. But it had been to no use. She had simply entered and blown up his whole plan for one night of peace. It was, as if she had ran some blockade that had prevented her ability to walk the Fade from enabling itself. He suspected she didn't noticed any difference between their dreamscapes and therefor just assumed she had entered her own. If she could simply enter anyone's dream she would need guidance. He cursed himself for haven't noticed it when he was still in a position to offer help. Demons would come upon her if she wandered aimlessly. Her safety was his main concern. Should something happen to her, all that was left for him was a life for regret and a lonely death. She had asked questions, he had no answer for yet. If it had been strictly for tearing down the Veil, he could have done so within a few months of time. With Mythals power he had taken from Flemeth, his power was even grater now, than it had been when he created the Veil. But he too, had no answer how the anchor would react. He still searched for a way to free her of it, before progressing with his plan. And he was running out of time. The longer the he waited, the stronger the anchor got. And with that, would soon spread out like an aconite, killing Ellana with it's power, as it grew to much for her to master. 

When Ellana was finally able to stop crying dawn had long broken. She didn't know how she had still tears left. He made her weak, lovestruck and angry all at the same time. To get through his pighead she needed to find him. All the encounters in the Fade didn't help. She was at the end of her tether there. He that will not be counseled cannot be helped. Now she would do it the hard way, and smash some heads on the way, if necessary. Solas had always hated violent responses, but she had seen his anger too, when he killed the mages that had corrupted his friend wisdom. The time to play nice was over. She was both sex-starved and pissed-off. And both were sole his fault. She would decide if she first banged his brain out, or smashed his head when she had a chance to do either. Until then she would search the area where the City of Arlathan had been. There had to be some old temples left and she dearly needed Mythals help. There had to be some way to get her to agree to help.  
Within the next hours she found various evidence of old ruins of elvhen origin. Most weren't recognizable anymore, either destroyed by shemlen, time or overgrown by plants. For the night she found a place to sleep under an old wolf statue. It had started raining again and this made it hard to find a dry spot in the dark. _How ironic_ , she thought to herself. Now she was even seeking shelter under one of his statues, as she couldn't have the real him. Like this she could be with him in this night, while she walked the Fade to find out more about this area.  
When she finally fell asleep after a lot of tossing and turning around, she found herself right next to the wolf statue. Now the place was vibrant and there were more than just one of the statues. But when she looked at a smaller one it moved towards her nudging her to look at the building behind her. It was not big enough to be a temple but building of massive stone, the size of a small chapel. The wolf walked ahead and waited at the entrance when she didn't follow immediately.  
“A wolf guide for the wolf's place.”, she snickered under her breath. He growled low at her, as if he had understood her and disagreed on being the butt of her joke. But she hoped it was just because she was to slow following him. He was most likely a spirit, presenting itself as a wolf, just to fit her imagination. When she entered the building she was taken aback by the sheer beauty of it. Where it had seemed small from the outside, inside it was huge. There were paintings all over the walls in the style of the old elves. The murals here weren't faded, but look like the ones Solas had placed on the walls in Skyhold. She sat sown inside and the wolf curled next to her. And while she started to decode the murals she stroke his fur, getting into some kind of mediation.


	10. A letter and a wolf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas can't stay away from her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was on my computer for days now, but only in small fragments that I was unable to make into a fluent story. I hope I succeded now. How a sleepless night can sometimes helps.

Varric's answer to her letter, of course came this morning, when she still tried sorting out her impressions from the Fade. It was rather on the short side:

_Ellana,_

__~~what you wrote sounds like trouble. Already informed Cass to join me. Adressed it to her full name. I take your word for it, that we need her.~~  
we will join you.  
Set up a camp and wait.  
Do nothing risky. 

_Cassandra_

 

That made her laugh so hard she had tears in her eyes. Naturally Cass wouldn't take a new paper, or wait until Varric had finished writing his ridiculous long letter. Ellana could see how she had taken the paper from him, scribbling down the few words and gave it to the raven, while Varric was still scolding her to give it back. If she asked them once they joined her, she would surly get a incredible story about what happened from Varric, while Cass would shake her head at him and leave.  
Ellana took a look around her and decided to just make camp here until they came. The area was paved and she could make out anyone coming close. Also she wanted to look around the place where the chapel had been.  
She spend the day searching for remains of what she had seen in the Fade.  
That night, when she awoke in the Fade she wasn't sure about being in the Fade. The whole place looked the same, as it had when she went to sleep. It was the wolf, that came to her again, that confirmed it to her. There were only the ruins she had looked upon all day. Instead of showing her something new the wolf talked to her:  
“My old murals.” Ellana just smiled at him.  
“I already wondered if it was you. They were beautiful. I recognized your style last night already. It changed a bit over the years, but some techniques stayed the same.”  
“Do you know how much it took to keep myself away from you?”, his voice rumbled.  
“Did you think that I wouldn't crave for ma vhenans body when you petted me?”  
It was as if his control had slipped his hands, he was carnal and raw. His lupine eyes were fixed on her. He stayed hidden in this body of an animal, as if to keep himself away from here, despising his words.  
“Vhenan.”, it wasn't much more that a whisper that left her lips while she opened her arms. Already all the hateful words were forgiven and forgotten. This rollercoaster of emotions was tiring but she always found herself enjoying it in the end. Like now, when she could see his inner turmoil and knew she would win. He was on her in seconds, his bigger lean body buried her under him. His wolfish nature showing in the way he shredded her clothes. His cock was at her entrance, rubbing a bit against her, before he entered her in one trust, making her cry out. Each time he trusted into her, the heat that came from him spread to another corner of her body. His pace was restless and without any real rhythm. Her inside soon was filled with his heat, while her body exploded around his shaft.  
“Ma sa'lath. Ar lath ma”, it was so unfair, that he told it to her now, as she was panting and unable to answer. Her hands grabbed his back as good as she could. He still kept moving, making it unable for her to hold any thought.  
Afterwards he kept holding her, still inside her and didn't let go until she fell asleep.  
Even if she got hurt again and again by him, she still wanted him. It was because there was a future that she wanted to witness together with him.

She knew something was off when she woke up for two reasons. First, she wasn't sexual frustrated from this walk in the Fade. Second, she could smell him all around her. This two combined with the fact that she was very much naked made her jump up from her camp in search of him. She knew now, why it hadn't felt like she had entered the Fade. He had woken her up and made her believe they were asleep together. Her throat convulsed, while she tried to hold back her tears. He had been with her for one night and she hadn't even really noticed.


	11. A discovery

Ellana rubbed the tears away with her hands and paused. She didn't have both hands anymore, but now she had. Mostly another reason she hadn't noticed his fraud. Her left hand wasn't hurting and the green glow was nearly invisible. She searched her surroundings and made sure she wasn't in the Fade now, but she already knew that wasn't the case. It appeared he had found a way to take back the anchor, or at least a major part of it. Her emotions were split between feeling betrayal and hope. Again he left her with so many questions it was irritating. He had made her believe he didn't need the anchor, but still took it away from her. Was it because he had lied to her, or to prevent her from being killed by it.   
In the end she let joy win her over and tried to contact Dorian. He was the only one after all she could talk to at the moment anyway. He didn't answer her right away but it only took him an hour or two in which she got herself something to eat.  
“Ellana”, his voice sounded concerned.  
“Dorian. You won't believe me. I got two hands again.”, she giggled like a schoolgirl. There were some silent seconds until Dorian comprehended what she had said.  
“What happened? Tell me every little detail. Leave nothing out.”  
“... and now I have to sit around until Varric and Cass find their way towards me. Believe it or not I made them travel together.”, Ellana felt better after telling Dorian everything. Even the details of her sex-life of course. He still told her she was gross for fucking an ex-hobo, now-god, a few thousand years older than her. She had just told him to shut up if he wanted any more juicy details.  
“But at least you have sex. Do you know how hard it is to find a lover in Tevinter? No one is open about their preferences and with my look they are simple overawed. Can you believe nobody would want me?”, he dramatized.   
“As if you had time for a lover. You got to change Tevinter, rescue the world, listen to me babbling and all our matchmaking also takes time. An awesome man can only do that much.”  
“You know your way around words to gain a mans heart Ellana.”, he coquetted with her.   
“And you are a flirt Dorian.”, she answered laughing. There had always been this ditziness between them. She had already been head over heels in love with the elf when he had joined the Inquisition and therefor they always had flirted for fun more than anything else. She had been relieved when she had found out he was gay, if she was true to herself. If he had been serious about her, she would have been heartbroken over shutting him down.   
“I really hope Cass and Varric finally sort everything out. I mean they have a week time all on their own now. That stubborn dwarf just needs to keep his mouth shut for a few minutes and kiss her. It would be so easy.”, Ellana sighed and rolled the amulet she used to talk to Dorian between her hands.   
“From your lips to Maker's ears.”, Dorian teased her and before they noticed they had talked hours away about old anecdotes, things that happened in Dorian's life and the chances of Varric getting his love-life together. It was longer than they ever had talked, since Dorian was back in Tevinter. No one disturbed them and it helped Ellana to get by the next few days as she searched the region around her champ. In the nights she wandered the Fade alone, not feeling lost but not sure of what she searched too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to post this chapter.   
> Stupid illness kept me in bed way to long.   
> If anyone is interessted in beta reading I would be really happy.


	12. Varric and Cass are back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The eternal bickering ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another week, another chapter  
> Enjoy :D

“You own me Ellana. It's a miracle we made it here in one piece. That dwarf stumbled... yeh he STUMBLED over a dragon. How can one not see that red tail for miles.”, Cass was audible long before Ellana could see her. She cringed when she saw her angry friend nearing. So much for them getting closer to each other on the trip. That fantasy was crashed within seconds. Her plans at being matchmaker weren't any better than Dorian's apparently. Cassandra looked like she had wadded through a river of blood, while Varric trailed behind her whistling looking fresh bathed.   
“He wasn't that big Seeker. And you killed him. Nothing to ponder on.”, he smiled his winning smile. The one that had never worked on Cass.   
“And how she did it, Smile.”, he addressed Ellana cheerful:   
“You should have seen her. Nothing hotter than that woman in action.” Cassandra growled at him and just dropped her stuff next to Ellana's camp.   
“I'm of. Washing.”, she grumbled and left towards the near lake.   
“Varric!”, Ellana shrieked at him. “How are you even able to get her into such a fool mood within a week of travel.” He wiggled his brows at her and grinned mischievous.   
“Gotta be me to know Smile.”, was his simple answer.   
“You will end up lonely like this, my dear Viscount.”, Ellana joked. The both of them went to the spot Cassandra had dropped her stuff and set up the two tents they had brought with them in comradely silence. It was a proof Varric was not as energized as he wanted her or Cass to believe. A silent Varric was a rare incident. Especially now that they hadn't seen each other for some time. Normally he would have already sold her four different hilarious stories, leaving it to her to figure out the truth in them. At least he didn't ask her how she was. He knew, she would start to talk about it if she wanted, on her own account. As much as she valued his opinion, she'd rather talk to Cass, later when they shared a tent. The woman might not have a sex life herself, but she was a good listener and always thought her answers through.   
“She really is something, isn't she?”, Ellana slightly changed the way the conversation took but not the topic.  
“She simply knocked me away when the dragon raised and yelled while she stormed forward, with her shield and her sword ready, before I even had made a single shot with Bianca. I'm surprised you haven't heard her. This will be a remarkable story for my next book. Nearly unbelievable but that will make it sell even better.”, Ellana could see how his mind had started working out the story line.  
“I hope you assemble it into the next Swords and Shields.”, she told him raising a brow prompting. He looked at her knowingly and kept from answering directly.  
“One never knows Smile. But don't tell me you read them too?”, he put on a nearly shocked impression. Ellana tried to look innocent but failed miserably, bursting into laughter when she looked at his face.   
“Yes, I do. But only because I need to know if that Knight-Captain was really based on Cullen or someone else. I mean there are some facts for prima facie evidences. And Cullen is a cutey. Say what you want. If he hadn't been so dame shy I could have fallen for him hard.”, Ellana broke out laughing a second time, holding her hand to her mouth.   
“Not funny Smile.”, Varric said and while he began to start a fire.  
“That pure man would have had his heart broken in no time, without seeing it coming.,With that big crush on you he had, I still see his sad smile from the day he saw you kissing Solas.”  
“Way to kill the good mood, Viscount.”, she told him with a sour look on her face.   
“But I know I shouldn't make fun of Cullen. I'm sorry.”  
“Me too, me too Smile. I still can't believe he simply vanished.”, Varric answered.  
“Who vanished now?”, Cassandras voice boomed through the camp, when she joined them again.  
“Curly”, came his curt answer. Cass stood next to the fire, rubbing her hair dry with a scrap of cloth, looking sad after the answer.  
“Yeh.”, was all she said, while all of them looked into the fire, lost in their own thoughts.


	13. Confidential talks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this took me so long to post. Please enjoy now.

Ellana lay next to Cass in the tent and waited for her friend to settle down.  
“I'm sorry for bringing Cullen up, I know how upset you were when he vanished.”, she said after awhile.  
“That's not it. I'm just pissed he didn't say a single word. After he was finally better from his Lyrium withdrawal.”  
“But after all the marriage proposals at the Winter Palace, can you really blame him Cass? He was clean, and I'm sure he's fine. Somewhere. With his Mabari.”  
There was a soft laugh before Ellana got her answer.  
“Who would have guessed that he has a sweet spot for dogs.”, Cass hummed contented.  
“He'll be back.”, Ellana mumbled and turned around remembering the time she saw Cullen at the balcony in the Winter Palace. It had been after she had angrily disbanded the Inquisition, telling the Exalted Council to fuck off.  
  
_The others had started to leave, gathering to go back to Skyhold. Many would go there for the last time, never to return. While she watched her friends depart she turned around to look at Cullen, who had stayed back._  
_“Inquisitor.”, he was fully in his Commander mode._  
_“Cullen, I'm just Ellana now.”, she answered smiling._  
_"I know. That's the reason a Commander is not needed anymore. I'm not needed anymore.”, he stated firmly. Then he bowed and walked off towards the others. When he passed her he patted her shoulder without halting, dropping a small letter unseen into her pocket. Confused all Ellana could do was look after him, until she noticed the eleven servant nearby._  
_“Cullen”, she cried after him. She knew he would simply ignore her, same as she knew all he had just done had been for show. For some reason Cullen wanted Solas to think he had forsaken the others._  
_She had read the letter hours later, back in Skyhold, when she had been sure she was alone. It had been short, with the simple words --I'm sorry-- confirming her suspicions. After reading it she had thrown it into the fire, watching as it burned to ashes. Then she had packed her stuff and went to search for a new place to start operating._  
  
Ellana turned a lot that night, rethinking her decision to keep it from the others. Especially from Cassandra. In the end she knew it had been the right thing to do. Cullen hadn't gone into hiding without reason. She had to wait until he came back. He had been to Commander of her Inquisition for Andruil's sake. She had to trust him. And she knew he was capable to finish whatever task he had set himself on. He didn't want to proof anything to anyone but himself. He had to fight his self-doubt alone. She wondered if Sola's decisions hunted him as much as Cullen's did him. She could understand the ghosts hunting Cullen well enough. So many decisions she made while she was Inquisitor, and looking back now, some had been wrong. At least from the point of view she had now. But there was no way to redo her life. She still hoped Solas would get to that point eventually.  
“With all this turning, how am I supposed to sleep. Just spill it.”, Cass sounded groggy and annoyed to no end. Ellana nearly jumped out of her bedroll when her friend talked. She hadn't noticed she had kept Cassandra awake along with herself. Remembering Solas last visit, she had wanted to talk about anyway she started to tell what happened, while she was waiting for them.  
“He's an asshole.”, was the simple statement after she finished. “And I don't for a moment believe that was a romantic move. More likely he gained something from that visit.”  
“Cass!”, Ellana stuttered indignant. “He might be an asshole but even he has feelings. As much as he wants to hid them.”  
Afterwards they stayed in silence until Ellana finally fell asleep. They had enough work ahead of them.


	14. Cass' and Ellana's bath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had Chapter 15 ready and just needed 14 as a filler, but then boom. It developed a momentum of its own. Now I need a new Chapter 15, but at least 16 is ready :D

“Wake up you two sunshines.”; boomed Varrics voice into their tent.   
“No way, I just went to sleep.”, mumbled Ellana and slowly got up from her bedroll. She felt as if she hadn't slept a second. The sun was already rising, and Varric was grinning at her, when she crawled out of the tent. Cassandra didn't look much fitter than her.   
“Seeker, are you sick?”, Varric asked slightly worried.   
“Leave me alone.”, the curt response bounced off Varrics good mood. He just smiled bigger.  
“Now now. No reason to be grumpy with me.”, he wiggled his brows, but she just ignored him fully.   
“Varric, behave”, was all Ellana said, rolled her eyes and followed Cass down to the river. The cold water would wake her up. Maybe.   
“Varric Tethras, Paragon of Good Behavior, at your service.”, she couldn't keep from smiling at his words. But at least he didn't see it.  
“Good behavior. My ass.”, Cass growled but she also had a smile on her face.  
“And we still like him, don't we?”, snickered Ellana. The two women looked at each other and started laughing hard once they were sure Varric wouldn't hear them anymore. Withing a few moments they were in their undergarments and diving into the water.  
“Fenedhis, this is freezing.”  
“Maker, now I'm awake.”  
“Within hours we will wish for a bath again. Lets savor this.”, Ellana cast a fire spell heating the water just enough to make it agreeable. Cassandra was very driven to get back on the road like always. Wouldn't Ellana know that she could be sweet too, she would think her cold and uptight at this moment.  
“In such a hurry to get back to Varric, Cass?”, she teased. There spread a small blush on Cass face but she turned away from Ellana and washed her back with a piece of cloth.   
“Oh Cass, I mean why? It's like you two are an old married couple already. You just need to add intimacy and sex to the things you two do.”   
“Ellana!”  
“Let me finish. Might even help you relax. Rebuilding the Seeker of Truth must be tiring. You are allowed to have some happiness too. And he's a good guy that could love deeply. Somewhere inside. Very deep. But that's your job to find, not mine.”, Ellana winked and swam away some meters before Cass could reach her and dunk her under water.  
“Maybe you should try crawling on your knees and begging for his pardon. Like he wrote in his book about us all.”  
“Owww. Forget it.”, the answer was more growl than words. Cass was already getting read to trow something at Ellana, but then paused.   
“But he wrote about me in his book. And beside the obvious lies, I liked the picture he painted of me.”  
“You mean about the hard hearted, strong woman of few words that saved his ass a few times? The one that was all hard shell, soft core? Was nearly a love declaration to you in my opinion.”  
“You are being over the top again Ellana. Stop it.”, but the look in Cass face belied her words. Nevertheless she went out of the water and started to get dry.   
“Your body would leave him breathless, you know?!”, Ellana wispered to Cass once she was next to her.   
“You are an ass sometimes.”, her voice was soft but final. They smiled at each other again like in the beginning of their bath and no more words where spoken. In silent companionship they went back to the camp, where Varric had packed everything, ready to go.  
“Lets smash some red Lyrium Seeker. Show us your skills.”  
Cass rolled her eyes but took her stuff from next to him.  
“Then lets go.”, and went to lead the group.  
“Wow, Ellana what did you do to her. She's like a delightful small kitty.”, Varric kept his voice low.  
“Would need to kill you, if I told you. Find out yourself.”


	15. Finding something unlocatable

It took them around two weeks to find the spot again, where Ellana had seen the ed Lyrium. She had been sure they had been at the spot already, but there had been no Lyrium and no Elf.  
“Are you sure it was here?”, Varric asked her when they crossed the spot a third time.  
“Yes, the only small pot with a grotto around here is this one. We searched vainly the last two weeks.”, Ellana sat down and rubbed her hands over her face. Again taken of guard she had both back. Varric and Cass had not asked to many questions about how it had happened. Cassandra hadn't even noticed until she had told her the story of Solas visit their first night in the tent. She still wondered why Varric hadn't said anything. But he was clever enough to combine the facts she guessed.  
“We'll need to search the whole region for any signs of activity. We are just the three of us. Maybe we should contact Leliana to get some help. Solas knows we are here anyway. This could be one reason he let the Lyrium vanish.”, Ellana wanted to protest against holding Solas responsible, but she knew Cassandra had a point. It had been an Elf inside the Lyrium after all. Her stomach felt like lead. While Varric and Cass started to argue about their next step she excused herself and went a bit into the woods. Then she threw up her whole breakfast and started to cry a bit. She didn't know why, but she felt miserable. Her whole body trembled. When the tremor finally stopped, she went to go back to her two friends.  
“Everything o.k.? You took forever to come back?”, Cass looked worried and they had stopped to argue. “And you look as white as a sheet.”  
“Yes just got lost since you were so silent”, Ellana joked and put a big smile on her face. She knew she failed when she saw the frown on Cass face. Varric shook his head and started to go on.  
“We need you to decide what to do next. Call in some more forces and risk getting infiltrated again or try with just the three of us and risk not finding anything? Not that many choices.”  
“Lets try without anyone else then. I rather have him thinking I asked two friends for help, than let him know that we still have forces. Not when Leliana tried so hard to hide it well.”, Ellana looked at Varric and Cass and they both agreed with a nod of their head.  
Within the next weeks they found various indices for activity within the woods, but never saw a single person. They were hiding so well that even Varric grew frustrated. Whenever he found a hint how to follow them he ended up in an impasse. Ellana herself started to feel worse and worse, specially in the mornings. Her stomach didn't keep any food inside, and the trembling took longer and longer to control. At least she only threw up in to mornings too. In the evenings she was to weary to feel anything. Then she just wanted to lay down and sleep for a day or two then.  
Varric had just thrown his hat on the ground and started a tirade when she tried to vanish into the woods again. Cassandra saw it and followed her this time. It couldn't go on like this. She had noticed days ago that something wasn't right and even Varric had started to talk about it to her. They sat at the fire more than one night and whispered about it. Ellana always went to sleep as soon as they settled down for the night. Most evenings she didn't even wait for the food to be ready.  
“Ellan?”, she announced herself to her friend. Ellana was bent forward and vomited everything her stomach had contained onto the ground. Cassandra rushed to her side and supported her trembling body. This explained very much what had happened the last few mornings. They had already assumed it wasn't totally about her being caught short. She had never taken so long to relieve herself before.


	16. What happens if you are?

Ellana whipped her hand over her mouth, willing her stomach to settle down. She felt horrible, her face all green. Cassandra was patting her back and looked at her worried until she got up and smiled at her friend. She tried her best to look fine.  
“Ellana, I'm really no expert or anything. But could you be...”; Cassandra looked at her and down to her belly, taking a big breath.   
“Could you be pregnant?”  
The women looked at each other, while Ellana laid her hands over her abdomen, her eyes growing bigger.   
“You are sleepy all the time, vomit every morning. And don't try to tell me you don't. You always come back to us white as chalk, looking like horror.”  
“I...”, she stammered and looked at herself unbelieving. Her head was working like crazy, remembering her encounter with Solas, when he gave her her hand back, trying to remember the last time she had her period.   
“Over two Months.”, she whispered and looked at Cass shocked.  
“It has been more two months, since the last time my cycle was present.”, she came face-to-face with the facts.   
“Fenedhis. What did we do.”, she cursed, while a smile started to grow.   
“You know, this will make things even harder from now on? You need to be save.”, Cassandra tried to break through, but already knew Ellana wouldn't hear any of it.   
“If he knew, it could save us all the trouble. I'm sure it can change his mind.”, Ellana started to dance a bit and Cass knew all her arguments would be lost now. That had to be what one called the glow of a pregnant woman.   
“We need to get you out of here.”, she tried one last time. Cass had spend the last moths rebuilding the Seeker, training warriors and spreading the truth she had found in the Book of Secrets. Sadly she hadn't read a single word about pregnant stubborn women. She would have to wait until Ellana got down from her high again. She didn't think it could or would change anything. Solas never wanted to whip out the Elfes. He would see it as another reason to finish his plan. His elvhan child growing up in this world he thought so wrong. Cassandra didn't think so.  
Ellana was inside her bubble of happiness for the rest of the day. Even the nausea wasn't as bad anymore. Now that she knew what it came from it felt right. But by the next morning, when she was trowing up for an hour again she had to agree with Cassandra.  
“You can't fight like this. You should be in Kirkwall or even Val Royeaux. We need to keep you save.”, Cass argued with her.  
“Get me to Solasas and lets see. I agree with you, that I can't fight like this. But it's save there and I can be sure no one tries to kill me there.”, and since Ellana could be as stubborn as Cass it took them forever to settle the argument. It was Varric, who was the voice of reason in the end.  
“We'll get you to Skyhold. Some of our trustworthy spies still operate from there. Leliana should be there with her nug breeding too. I'm sure Solas will find out if you are there. They still watch out what happens there.”  
Both women were against him at first but his arguments were solid. In the end Ellana agreed on one condition. She wanted to visit Mythal's shrine again on her way back. She hoped to ask her some questions and maybe find out if they could ally. After all she was an elvhan god in a human body.  
“Then it's settled. We'll fold up our tents tomorrow and start moving south-west again. With a visit to the shrine it shouldn't take us longer than a month.”, Varric's voice had a matter-of-fact tone: “And you'll eat what I cooked. No sleep until that bowl is liked clean.”   
Ellana was thrown out off balance by his commanding tone she just sat down and ate. Since he knew she was really pregnant his playful attitude was gone and he had morphed into a mother-hen with the single purpose to keep Ellana save. The funny thing was, Ellana saw the respect in Cassandras face bloom whenever she failed to do anything but what Varric told her. While she was powerless against this side of Varric Cassandra seemed to adore it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you have a nice second Advent and enjoyed my Santa-present for you :)


	17. An unexpected awaited encounter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took forever, and just for the memo: I hate moving.  
> But I hope you haven't lost fate and I'm happy to present this chapter.

"Well, well... what do we have here?"  
Ellana turned around, recognizing the familiar voice. It was not the one she had anticipated.  
“My mother is dead Ellana. You can't reach her anymore in this world. She gave Mythal to me and left this world afterwards.” There was a smirk in her face that bore no humor.  
“I'm Mythal now, or what is left of her here.”, Morrigan spoke in a voice that brooked no dissent. She didn't even need to ask, simply answered without delay.  
Ellana looked at her old companion in disbelieve. She had known, letting Morrigan drink the well might not be a good idea, but this bettered everything. Morrigan still looked a lot like the woman she had gotten to know not to long ago but she was different. Her demeanor had changed and if possible was even more aloft. Her dress was similar to what her mother had worn when they had met her here at this shrine before the fight with Corypheus. But it was more of a dark green that shimmered black. Also the headpiece was the same, making her look like Flemeth.  
“But how? I thought you tried to kill her once but failed? Who could?”, before Morrigan could answer Ellana went on:  
“And didn't she say she could not posses an unwilling host?”  
“And Alistair once said we talk to much?”, Morrigan muttered to herself.  
“I never said she was killed. I said she left. You need to listen Ellana. Speech is a part of 'The Grand Game', and you'd do well to remember that more often.”, she shook her head and went a few steps into Ellana's direction.  
“As for the rest.”, her glance grew distant. “I more that willingly drank from the well. And it was in Mythal's temple as we all know. She already told us when we where here the first time. Now I got more knowledge that I could ever dreamed of. And more to handle, than I got time to. The game is already set up.” Morrigan looked at the three in front of her and put that distant smile back into her face. It made her look older than she was in so many ways.  
“I can't help you with what you came here for. I just wanted to see for myself, if the information I got was correct.” She used her cloak to wrap herself and was gone, with only a few dried leaves dancing around.  
“Now, that was a scene to behold”, Varric announced with a whistle. Before Ellana could kill him for that statement Cassandra went in between them and shook her head.  
“We got more than we hoped for. We discussed the risk of her not even showing up. And that the Witch of the Wilds left, as Morrigan put it, is a information we could need. There is more behind this. I'm sure Leliana can get something more out of this. You promised us we could head straight towards Solasan after this.”  
Ellana let her head hang down, but followed her two companions without another word. It didn't help her, that she knew Cass was right, she felt even worse than in most mornings.  
When they were finally back to Solasan Cassandra wrote letters to inform everyone without giving any real information, while Ellana slept for days. Whenever she was awake, it was just long enough to wash up a bit and eat some bites, before she went back into a deep slumber. When Varric bid his goodbye she wasn't sure at first, if it had been a dream or real, but he was gone the next time she was full conscious.  
“I can't leave you alone here”, Cassandra told her while their dinner that evening. “We will walk to Skyhold starting tomorrow.” Ellana was sad, that Cass wanted to leave, but she could understand it. Her condition wasn't the best and should something happen, she would be defenseless in her sleepy state. “O.K.”, was all she answered, for she knew Cass would understand. They were in agreement in this.  
The journey to Skyhold took long. In the mornings Ellana had to fight to keep any food down and in the evenings they had to stop early, because her stamina was low. Cassandra and her had argued about writing a letter, that they would come, but had decided against it. There were to many ways it went into the wrong hands. No one could know about the situation, or Ellana would be the target for to many parties. Some of the Orlesian nobles still wanted to use her, despite the fact, that she had dissolved the Inquisition.  
Ellana looked around in her old room. Cassandra had brought her up here directly after they had arrived. She hadn't seen anyone yet. Skyhold was much quieter than in old times. She hadn't even seen a servant. But Cassandra had been altered not to encounter anyone. After settling Ellana and telling her to get some rest she had vanished to look for Leliana. She was about to get out of her travel clothes when it started. First it was only a light pull, but it got worse within the blink of an eye. Her stomach hurt with each cramp. They forced her to her knees, draining her strength in seconds. She couldn't loose the child now. Not when she just had found out about it. Tears blurred her sight, while her arms wrapped around her abdomen.  
“Solas!”, she cried out inside, no word leaving her lips, before her whole world went black.


	18. What she hadn't known

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally Solas is back.   
> Just a short Chapter, but it contains some insight.

“Vhenan, I'm sorry. It was never planned for you to find out about the child.”, Solas caressed her cheek. His body hovered over her and his blue eyes were clear like the sky.  
“I couldn't take the anchor away on my own, but I knew someone else who could.”, she could see the sadness etched in his face, while it dawned to her that it wasn't a dream this time. She tried to understand what he was talking about and slowly she understood what he had done.  
“You impregnated me to transfer the anchor to the unborn child.”, she squawked. Her vision was blurred by her tears and it was hard to focus on him. Still her body hurt a lot and she could hardly move on her own.  
“Yes.”, there was a short break after that word. “I couldn't lose you, and it was the one way offered to me. My path is paved with hard decisions, and still I wouldn't take this one back. Hate me, curse me, but I can't lose you. I had the rectify the wrong I had done to you.”  
They sat in silent for some time, the only noise her sobs over their lost child. He held her upright with his arms carefully placed around her, while he squeezed her gently to his chest and tried to catch her tears with his fingers.  
“In the thousands of years I never found a woman to bear me any children. I always watched out not to impregnated any of them. As wild as my youth had been, that's the one thing that never happened.”  
He took her limp body and carried her silently to the room with the Eluvian he came from. It was the second time she entered it right into the Crossroads. She was to drained to keep her eyes open, but could still see the blooming vibrant colors of the trees around her. They didn't match her state of mind and couldn't cheer her up in the slightest. She didn't even have the strength left, to rebel against Solas. She had nearly forgotten the Eluvian Morrigan had left in Skyhold. With the knowledge of her being Mythal it made so much more sense.  
“How did you know?”, she whispered.  
“Cole.”, he muttered, not looking at her but at the way ahead.  
“Of course.”, Ellana laughed humorless and turned her head away from him. First she thought he kept muttering things to himself, but after a few moments she started to understand his words. He sang in the old language to her. His voice was pure and carried the tune perfect. 

“lath sulevin  
lath araval ena  
arla ven tu vir mahvir  
melana ‘nehn  
enasal ir sa lethalin “

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took the song Suledin from the wiki (http://dragonage.wikia.com/wiki/Elven_language#cite_note-WOT-29)  
> You can read a loose translation there too.


	19. Breaking the Lyrium addiction

Not far from a small village named Honnleath in southwestern Ferelden a female warrior stood on a hill overlooking the plain to her feet. It had taken her months to find this place, that was nothing more than a rumor among the Templar. She had heard hushed conversations about it, always lapsing into silence as soon as an outsider entered. Even with her family's connections it had been nearly impossible to gather all the information. And they were closer to the Templar than many others. Not eve the elvan servants were able to tell her anything. They knew everything, normally.  
There was a farmhouse, big enough for a large family, with stables for the horses and some worker running around helping to cultivate the fields. Hadn't she known what was going on behind this idyll she wouldn't have thought twice about it. Life was like this all around Ferelden, nothing special about it. Beside one little matter. This was the farm of the former Knight-Captain of Kirkwall and Commander of the Inquisition. All the workers were Templar, trying to quit with Lyrium like he did. It had been years since she saw him while visiting a part of her family in Kirkwall. He had been a cold man back then, and so she hadn't been to thrilled to hear it was him she was seeking out. But maybe things had changed since back then. She caught what had happened at Kirkwall not long after her visit and maybe she had just gotten the wrong impression of him. He had to have been under a pressure back then she couldn't even try to comprehend.  
When she started to walk towards the house she knew she was already watched. Some of the men and the few women eyed her suspicious others with others curious. An older man went to meet her when she wasn't far anymore.  
“Milady how may we peasants be of service to you?”, he asked dragging, his voice like gravel. His face was sunken and it was evident the withdrawals took a toll on his body.  
“I wish to see for myself it's possible to cure.”, it was like a code to let them know she wasn't an outsider. Not always the same words but the same meaning was the key to enter the house. The man smiled in a sheepish way. “It's rare someone comes here, even more someone who doesn't seek the cure for themselves.”  
“The one I would seek the cure for is long dead, but I still want to see for myself.” the sad smile on her face was heartbreaking but he was wise enough to stay silent about it.  
“Milady please enter our modest house and feel at home. Sir Cullen will be back soon.”, he opened the door for her and let her in. “I can only offer herb tea or water, for we have nothing here we aren't cultivating ourselves. William my name, I'm sorry I forgot to mention it. Some things get lost sometimes.”  
“It's fine. And please call me Evalyn.”, the moment she said it the door behind her closed and had her turning around in the blink of an eye, hand on her sword. The man before her looked older than she had thought and wore a three-day beard. There was a small scar on the right side of lip she was sure hadn't been there all these years ago. It made him look boldly sexy together with his slightly curly honey colored hair. The second she grasped it was Sir Cullen in front of her she dropped her hands from her weapon and bowed.  
“I'm sorry for assailing you here Commander, but I wanted to offer my services.”, she saw in his face that he was trying to identify who she was and were he knew her from. He seamed uneasy and rubbed his neck.  
“My brother Max was a Templar in Kirkwall under your command.”, she saw the recognition bloom in his face.  
“Miss Trevelyan if I'm correct. I hope your brother is well, but assuming you are here to gain aid from him I fear that isn't the case?”, his voice was full of authority and she was sure he was in his element. She saw the change in him the moment he started talking.  
“Sadly that isn't possible anymore. He's dead.”, she said it as a matter of fact and looked Sir Cullen right into the eyes. “He was at Therinfal Redoubt when it happened.” The moment she aid it Cullen started cursing and bowed.  
“I'm sorry Milady Trevelyan. What happened to the Templar there is unforgivable. I'm sorry for your loose.”, his voice was full of grief and his eyes sad when he finally looked at her again.  
“It can't be changed. The one responsible is dead so I can't avenge him, but I can try to help here and make the life of others better. Hopefully.”, she tried hard and managed a smile dispelling the cogitations about her brother from her mind.  
“In that case you are very welcome to stay Miss Trevelyan. I won't tell you it's easy, cause it's not but I try everything to break their obsession with Lyrium and train them to be even better fighters. I'm sure you will be of great help with the later.” A shy smile formed on his face, and she felt herself responding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is were Cullen went. Maybe you already got the thoughts behind his plan?


	20. Is happiness gained by ignorance?

Cassandra found a big pool of blood when she wanted to visit Ellana to say her goodbyes. She had to rejoin her Seekers and she had thought her friend would be save here. Leliana hadn't reacted happy to have Ellana back here. She had argued she would be vulnerable here. They wanted to project the image to Sola's spies, that only Leliana and some believers had stayed here.   
“Ellana?”, Cass kept her voice even, hoping her friend was around somewhere. Maybe she passed out. After searching the whole quarters her heart beat faster and fear gripped her.   
“Ellana?”, she tried again but knew there would be no answer. The blood pool on the group hypnotized her a few seconds, then she stormed outside.   
Scout Harding stood next to Leliana and they were talking in hushed tone, when Cass stormed into the old warroom.   
They send out a searchparty right away but Ellana was nowhere to be found. What concerned them the most was the massive blood loss she must have suffered especially with her pregnancy.  
“Return to your Seekers Cassandra.”, Lelianas words sounded harsh, but when they hadn't found her for a whole week time was running trough their hands like sand. Cassandra was needed and had stayed away way to long already. She had put up a fight the whole week but knew Leliana was right.   
“You will contact me as soon as you have any clue where she could be”, she said through gritted teeth and went to retrieve her horse.   
“The only clue we have is the Eluvian. And if Solas has her they are unreachable for us.”, Harding was the sad voice of reason that moment while she and Leliana exchanged a glimpse. 

~ ~ ~

Ellana was ensnared in her dream. She kept on seeing a small boy bouncing around in a small cottage. He was laughing and called out to her whenever she looked anywhere else. But she had to see what was around her. There was something amiss. She knew will her whole being that there should be someone else with them.   
“Look mother. I made this for you.”, he called out this time and interrupted her thoughts yet again. He was holding a small doll out of hay. It was lovely and she cradled it to her chest. There was a pang in her chest when she held it closed and her eyes got misty.   
“We are fine mother. It's only us here. Nothing can hurt you”, his voice was stern betraying the smile on his face. Then he took her hand ans started to run of towards a small stream she hadn't yet seen. It wasn't that fare from the cottage but she had simply ignored it.   
“Look at our reflection.”, he said cheerfully and pointed at the water.   
“Just us. Always.”, he giggled and hugged her hard around the middle.  
“Yes. We will be together. Always.”, she answered and a smile blossomed on her face. No worries. Just her and her boy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took forever. Until Chapter 18 I had the story planed and Chapter 19 was some idea I harbored but after that: Blank.


	21. Her life on the line

Solas had known the risks he was supposed to take to gain what he wanted. What he hadn't calculated where to odds of Ellana shutting him out so completely as she did. He had never thought it possible for he to keep him away from her in the fade. There was a bubble around her he was unable to enter. Whenever he tried he was knocked back and awakened. It was starting to wear him out. Her bleeding had stopped days ago and she was healthy in body. But not in soul as it seemed. The anchor was gone from her body and therefor she should be just a normal elf now. He couldn't explain to himself where this had gone wrong. He had known she would take time to forgive him. She was a woman after all, who had lost a child to his plotting. He had taken it all into account. Even the possibility of getting her pregnant a second time just to make her happy. But now she was dying and despise all the magic at his hand he was unable to do something. Until he got her back out if the Fade he would not be able to bring down the Veil like he had planned once she was by his side. This risk was to high for him to take. He would not loose her for rushing everything now. First she needed to awake, then he would continue.  
He walked the Fade along the border of her dream. At first he had been sure a strong Demon had Ellana in his clutches but he felt nothing. The only thing he knew was that there was another living being with her. It's energy wasn't strong and he doubt it was the source of this bubble around them. In fact the bubble felt like a living being itself. He hadn't tried to enter it again, since he hated to be thrown out of the Fade. Like this he was able to watch from afar what was going on in there and to calculate.  
He tried for weeks and his followers grew uneasy. He pondered to ask Mythal for help but decided against it. He needed to bring the Veil down soon in order to continue with his plan. It pained him to leave his love behind but he knew he was running out of time. She grew weaker and weaker as the being that had her in its claws monopolized her. At first it had looked like a child was accompany her but it had grown into a young man by now and was mocking Solas whenever it noticed him at the boarders of her dream.  
So his hope lied in bringing the Veil down and face whatever was attached to Ellana once is was done. He knew she could die either way but he singled it out as the best way. He had ordered his followers to prepare for the ceremony and dreaded the times that were to come. The others wouldn't take lightly to his betrayal.

The ritual was more of a show for his followers than he needed it. Without his orb it had taken some time to figure out a way to gather the magic he needed. Draining Mythal had been a start and he had found some places of old magic while his travels. It had been annoying but not impossible. While he gathered it between his fingers he focused on the worl he had know as a boy and had hoped to revolutionize as a man. He knew the Evanuris would be after him but he was a trickster, they wouldn't get him. He had it all planned out. For Ellana to join him and help him lead this world into a new time. Their children he would promise her. There was nobody that could best him. He released his magic into the Veil closing his eyes.  
When he opened his eyes again everything around him shimmered with magic. He laughed and felt free for the first time in millennia. It flowed through him like an old friend making him feel alive. The elves around him sunk down and not all of then rose again afterwards. Some turned to dust others withered in pain. He ignored them and hurried towards the room Ellana was. Now was to time to banish whoever had his woman in his hands and make her his.  
“Hello father. Nice of you to join us.”  
It were the last words he heard before a force much stronger than his knocked him out against the wall his magic drained from him.  
Mythal stood smiling beside the young man.  
“Revoke your fathers ritual before it spreads now. I can't keep up the barrier for much longer. We'll see each other again my dear.”, she told him and kissed him head before she vanished.

They all felt the shock of the Veil being lifted but just like the rift it wasn't able to spread before another shock went through them and the sensation was gone again.  
Cullen and Evalyn looked at each other, him rubbing the back of his neck, when she jumped him and kissed him. If there was any chance they were about to be killed by a self-proclaimed god she at least wanted to have kissed him once. He blushed but kissed her back lost of the sensation of her mouth on his.  
Varric looked up from his letter and watched the sky turning into spectacle of light that faded soon after. “Looks like Smile was able to get to him.”  
“I hope she's ok”, Cassandra whispered and gasped when the Eluvian was activated. Her, Leliana and Harding had hurried there as soon as the first shock had settled. A young elve with Ellana in his arms stepped through and smiled.  
“Everything is alright.”, he muttered and smiled down as Ellana opened her eyes. She smiled back at him and he knew he would never be happier.  
He would always miss his little twin sister as she gave her life for him to be able to rob their father of his magic but seeing his mothers smile made him content.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, finally.   
> It took me quiet some time to finish this. I always knew how it was to end but to put it into words failed me many times.   
> The end still feels a bit rushed but I had to wrap it up. Thank you for your support and Kudos. Feel free to let me know your opinion.   
> As always: This was not betaed and english is not my nativ language. :)


End file.
